mary had a little lamb,,

[tianna engel]

date: october 19 2008
mood: happyyyy~
listening to: jackson's singing in my head >__o

Jackson is amazing. There, I said it. I don't normally fall for guys—like, school-girl-crushes-type of falling. Sure I go around a lot with random (or not so random) guys and girls, but I never actually like...like any of them. At least as nothing more then friends. And I haven't even had sex with him yet! Well...one time...but I'm not going to count that. Gah...but he's just...really cute, and funny. And Jesus, before you know it I'm going to be giggling and being one of those retarded little preppy girls that everyone hates. And wouldn't that just suck? Actually...its probably not possible for me to do that. I mean...can you imagine me wearing pink and giggling? I can't.

Oh...what the hell...you don't even know who I am, do ya? Guess you wouldn't since this is my first entry. So listen up, I ain't repeating any of this to you again. My name is Tia. Though according to my brother my real name was Casey. Feels weird to know I had another name, 'cause I totally don't remember. But anyway. My lovely mother (who apparently was a whore—big surprise there) left me at some random people's house when I was about four or five. Since then I grew up with my 'family'. Who really cares too much about my past though? You know my name and that's enough, right?

So, I'm probably really stupid, but my birthday totally slipped my mind this year. I guess since I didn't have the huge deal over my birthday coming up from my parents and with learning I had a brother and everything I was a bit distracted with things. But I'm sixteen now! Yay! Oh, and don't tell anyone (what the fuck am I saying, your a fucking diary, you can't talk) that I forgot, I'm trying to guilt-trip Ezra about forgetting. Its quite fun. There's something about Ezra that just makes it hilarious to pick on him and piss him off. Which I suppose is mean, coming from his sister—but let's face it, I'm not the nicest person in the group.

I've gotten some really kickass presents this year though. Kaden got me two pairs of Tripps, the ones I really wanted and another pair that are so cool. Kaden, now that kid is definitely a cool one. Even if Ez hates him (though Ezra seems to hate half my friends; like Xio). They fit awesomely too, and I think they look great on me. Jackson said that he loved them too. Not sure why, but it meant a lot to me.

Jackson's present fersure beats all presents in the history of presents though. He got me two tickets for a trip to Iceland. So I'm taking him with me, of course! One: he's the person who got them for me. And two: I have to admit I totally like him. Who else would I take? Probably Ez, if I didn't have the choice of Jackson. I'm not sure exactly when we're gonna go, but as soon as we can, we're going. Because that's what we decided.

Ezra is an asshole *insert pissed of face here*. Yes, you're probably thinking 'way to state the obvious', but seriously. He called me a WHORE today. I'm not saying it might be false, because yeah, most of my actions could be taken for being a 'whore', but still! I agree with Kaden's statement of saying that 'to your own sister, tsk, tsk' or whatever the hell he said. You can't just go around calling your little sister a whore. He did put up a very convincing arguement, however. He's 'seen me have sex with two different guys in the last two days, making out with one of them, kissing a third, and flirting with a fourth'. Which may have been paraphrased, again, but you get my drift. I haven't told Jackson yet, even though it sorta came up...I figure he might get pissed like Kaden did. And Ezra and him are having enough problems between them without me being one of those problems. I guess I'm turning into a considerate person all of the sudden.

Well anyway...I gots people to do, things to see to go to sleep or something, I'm exhausted. Or maybe I'll find Jackson or Ez and hang out with them for a while...whatever.

Peace.

[tianna engel]

date: october 24 2008
mood: guilty...
listening to: the dope show - marilyn manson

Okay, so I'm a total jackass, I know. Jackson found out that me and Kaden had sex (I don't think he knows that it was more like four times and not just once, hopefully he doesn't). But he got really pissed off about it... So here I sit, feeling horribly guilty about having sex. Which is something completely new for me. I hope he'll forgive me soon, I hate knowing he's pissed off at me. I asked Ezra for advice about it—since he knows Jackson really well, and he has experience in this sort of stuff. He said Jackson was definitely pissed off. I guess I deserve it? I'm not really sure. Actually, I don't even know what our relationship is right now. I know he likes me, and I'm pretty damn sure that he knows I like him too. I don't think we're technically together, but don't ask me.

I do know that I'm not playing Truth or Dare with Jackson and Kaden at the same time. Bad questions can come up.

Oh yes, and you know how Ezra called me a whore last week? He said that I looked like a stripper yesterday. Then told me I should wear a lot of long-sleeved, baggy clothes. And clogs. Which makes no sense. But then, its Ez. And when does he ever make sense? So I dunno...but he's really annoying with calling me the insulting names. You can't just go around calling you're little sister a whore and a stripper.

Before I forget! Something good did come out of that Truth or Dare game. Kjara asked Jackson, who picked truth. And Kjay's question was something along the lines of if he really liked me and wanted to be with me. His answer? YES! It made me so happy.

Guess that's really all the news.

Peace yo.

[tianna engel]

date: november 3 2008
mood: pissed off
listening to: liquor and love lost - bring me the horizon

STUPIDFUCKINGMOTHERFUCKINGBITCH.

Okay, I'm good now. I hate that goddamn new girl. Kira or whatever the fuck her name is. She's trying to steal Jackson from me. And no way am I going to let that fucking happen. He. is. mine. And I'm not letting anything change that. Especially not after today. But there's no way that fucking bitch is going to get away with taking my boyfriend. I don't think she took my threat about killing her very seriously. Which would really be a shame for her. Because if she decides to be a dumbass and continue this, she can't say I didn't warn her.

Oh yes, and Jackson said 'ily' to me today. Which means, if you're an idiot (and somehow got a hold of my diary—in which case you'll end up dead too) 'I love you'. And that kinda...scared me? And surprised me, definitely. How do I know if he meant it or not? I guess I need to get advice from Ezra again.

Is it weird I'm getting all my relationship advice from my brother who can barely keep his own relationship on track?

Probably.

What I'm more worried about is something else though... Should I have told him that I loved him too? Do I? I don't even know how I'm supposed to tell if I love him or not... I've never been in a relationship like this one before.

Its really kinda scary. I have to admit.

Peace out?