` dark blue

[ezra hart]

Dear diary,


Fuck Blair.


- Ezra.

[ezra hart]

Dear diary, Fuck that. Yo.

So, I finally got rid of Sammii. ♥ It’s the most amazing feeling in the world. I can do whatever I want whenever I want!—and there’s no Sammii around to stop me. It’s like being let loose in an obscenely large and slutty candy store. (: The only problem is that everyone else is basically like “holy shit, you broke up—ah, you love him, you’ll be back together again in fifty seconds”. I mean...what the fuck? Everyone’s convinced that the—as Dai put it—“history of romance will cease to exist”.

...The history of romance.

Note to self: Break up Trent and Asher.

Sorry, just had to jot that down. Back to what I was saying.

Dai thinks she’s “fallen in love” with Mort—yes, of all people, Mort. I’m still in shock. How could ANYONE EVER fall in love with that jackass?

I actually don’t feel like writing much in this thing. I just wanted to piss Blair off more by not paying attention to her rant...

Note to self: No need to break up Trent and Asher, apparently they’ve taken care of that themselves.

- Ezra.

[ezra hart]

So, yeah. I haven't actually written in this for a while. Most likely because I've been busy.

...really busy.

Okay. So, we have to start somewhere.


The List [during that two week period, or whatever]

kaden
brock
asher
fletcher
andrew
jackson
mort
ross
daryl? [can't remember]
stefan
other people
blake i wish.


Makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Uh, so. I found out what was making me so weird (according to everyone). Apparently one of my vital organs pulled a Houdini. Nice, right? Wasn't exactly news that made my day, but it's sure a hell of a lot better than waking up without your kidney--I was promised free candy, damnit.

Oh god. I've been hanging out with Jay too much. I'm referencing pink unicorns.

Anyway. The conversation I had with Mort went basically like this:


Mort: I know something you don't know!
Me: Great.
Mort: You have no heart.
Me: Well shit.


And thus Ezra Hart(eth) becameth heartless-eth. No heart in Hart. Funny, right? It should be on a bumper-sticker, or on a commercial for cereal, or something. I'd buy it.

So I guess I took advantage of feeling absolutely nothing. Meaning sex. Lots and lots of sex. And some rape, but we're not going to get into that, because yes, I do feel like shit about it already. So fuck off and leave me alone. I have to deal with Sammii later, anyway. Punishment. enough.

About Sammii. I miss him like nobody's business. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day (continue time examples here) MAKES ME SICK. My heart feels like it's about to explode into a THOUSAND pieces, or maybe melt down or something, because I can't do anything about it. I've looked everywhere--believe me, everywhere--for that boy and I still can't find him. And it hurts, and I hate it. Everything I do leads back to him. Surfing? Yup. Mac and cheese? Yup. Pomegranates? ...well, not exactly. Haven't tried that one--oh jesus christ. It relates. Long train of thought, but it relates.

See what I mean?

I even tried to get Tia to get rid of my memories of him. She refused. Something along the lines of "wah wah wah he loves you wah wah wah he'll be back wah wah wah you're a skinny freak wah wah wah buy me some new pants".

...

Note to self: Don't listen to Tia ever again. Ever.

Oh, and needless to say, but I got my heart back. By that time I didn't actually want it, though. Mort just kind of went on this bitchy rant about how everything hurts-- ...I know what you're thinking. Stop it. I have a reason... --and ripped my/his/our? heart out and put it back in my chest.

And then I went and found my diary journal notebook after several days of feeling more like an emo kid than a demon and wrote all this shit down.

Maybe I'll show it to my kids when they're old enough to have their heart broken / sex.

Note to kids if you're reading this: Ignore all the cursing. You are not allowed to fucking curse. Ever. And in response to the last lines, you will be old enough to have sex when you're twenty thirty married. Because--if you haven't learned this in sex ed, you will--if you have sex you will get PREGNANT AND DIE. So don't do it. And if Sammii is your mommy, he will tell you the same thing. Well. Just a little different. But listen to him. If Sammii...well, if he isn't there... nevermind. I'll tell you. Now go to bed and stop going through my stuff, brat.

- Ezra.

[ezra hart]

I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL I LOVE SAMMII KNOWELL.

♥

[ezra hart]

I HATE ASHER.

I don’t think there’s anything else I can say.

Except there is.

Let me start off by saying that he’s a FUCKINGWHOREBITCHSLUT. And I hope Trenton dies. In fact, I hope Trent tries to commit suicide just so I can go and fuck him while he’s in the hospital. Or better yet, I’ll just feed him to Gladys.

Do you know what he DID? He fucked Sammii. In the hospital. When I, apparently, couldn’t.

Okay, well, he almost fucked Sammii. And do you know what I was doing? I was being the perfect boyfriend, for once, and buying him presents. I got a fucking choir to accompany me to sing to him. I had cookies and balloons and KLDSF FUCK I WAS FULL OF LOVE. AND HE WAS IN THERE, STRIPPING MY BOYFRIEND AND MAKING OUT WITH HIM. AND I WILL KILL HIM IF THAT IS THE LAST THING I DO.

Just, not while Sam’s around. Because I’m on thin ice already.

First I sort of told him about Kael. I didn’t mention names, though. Just that I killed someone else. Then he saw me trying to kill Kaden, and thennn Mort showed him pictures of me making out with naked Kaden and theniflirtedwiththenewgirl.

…but he was with Asher. Come on.

Anyway. Enough about Asher. I’ll probably end up burning this page, anyway. So. I’ll talk about Jackson.

SLKFLJKFLDKFLDJKDKSL:LFJFJDKSL.

I feel a little better.

SDF:LDSFLKJDF:LJSDK::SLDSL BASTARD. SKANK. M!A!N!W!H!O!R!E!

Getting there…

WHAT THE FUCK HOW DO YOU SCREW SOMEONE’S SISTER AND NOT TELL THEM YOUR BEST FRIEND’S SISTER NO LESS AND JESUS CHRIST IF YOU LOVED ME *SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO* MUCH THEN WHY’D YOU MOVE ON SO QUICKLY AND GET A REBOUND ON MY SISTER AND FUCKING TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER I WOULD SLICE YOU UP AND DRAPE YOUR GUTS OVER MY LIVING ROOM if sam didn’t see them.

And I kind of miss Jackson. But I can’t let him know that.

ANDINEEDANOTHERRANT.

WHAT IF SAM STOPS LOVING ME BECAUSE OF ASHER THAT WHOREBITCHSLUT BECAUSE HE’S SO MUCH NICER AND COMPLIMENTS HIM AND SMILES A LOT AND BLOWS KISSES AND IS CUTE AND AND AND NOT ME AND I CAN’T LOSE SAMMII BECAUSE HE’S THE ONLY THING I HAVE AND ASHER HAS TONS OF PEOPLE BECAUSE HE’S A WHORE AND HE SHOULD JUST BACK OFF BECAUSE HE IS REALLY PISSING ME OFF.

D:

- ezra.

p.s. if any of my children are reading this, STOP, DAMN YOU. I told you to cut that shit out already. Now go say goodnight to mommy and get in your bed.

[ezra hart]

i change my mind. i like jackson again.

♥

- ezra.