goodbye, blue sky

[sammii knowell]

mood depressed
date sept 22 2008

Things have just been...really bad lately. And I have no idea what to do with myself now. The one guy I love broke up with me; he told me I was a bad person—that he'd need a list to mention all the things I'd done to him. And everyone keeps trying to tell me "its just a phase"—"he'll come back, give him some time"—"he was just lying to you, he still cares". But its really hard to believe any of those things. I really, really want to believe them, and I can't.

Can't everyone see that Ezra has become my life? And now I've lost that. What am I supposed to do? I don't even have my bestbestbest friend to help me through this anymore. Which is another depressing thing in my oh-so-depressing life.

Dani... I can't even BELIEVE how stupid I am. I totally, horribly, used her. All to get back Ezra. I know that that can never be worth it at all—to lose my best friend just because of a guy. No matter how much I love Ezra. I wish I could say to her how much I miss her. Because I really, REALLY miss having her around. The problem is, I don't know what to say to her...she doesn't seem to want to talk to me or be around me at all...not that I can blame her. So...I don't even know what to do with her, either.

Maybe it'd just be better if I wasn't around...I don't want to be thinking that way, but it keeps getting harder everytime I get a second to think. Thank goodness no one can see this. I can imagine Blair and Kjara's face if they read this. And I'd get yelled at...not fun.

— Sam

[sammii knowell]

mood confused, depressed...happy-ish?
date sept 23 2008

Could life GET anymore confusing?

Ezra started to tell me off on what's wrong with me again today... He said I was childish and cried every fifty seconds and that I FORCED people to watch Disney movies. Maybe he's suffering memory loss, but I clearly remember he was always perfectly fine with it. Oh, but then APPARENTLY, the only reason he only put up with any of these things he suddenly is saying he had such a problem with, is because I'm "sexy". Then he finally admitted to the fact he was only ever with me for the sex. Funny how in the end, I was completely right, isn't it? I should've known not to trust him from the beginning...

And then Asher...oh goodness, I'm so CONFUSED right now about him. I thought he was just my friend...but then after Ezra broke up with me he started being really, really sweet...like flirty, sweet. And I don't know...do I actually sorta like him? What ever happened to Trent anyway? OHMYGOODNESS—what if what I'm doing means he's cheating on Trent...with ME?! I don't want Trent to kill me! But...I really like Asher—and honestly, not even Ezra was this nice to me. But I still love Ezra too, and it makes me feel guilty that I might kinda like Asher. I know I shouldn't though, especially not after today.

Asher just...totally kissed me, and I kissed him back. Then Ezra came out of nowhere (seriously, NOWHERE) and started YELLING at Asher like he was doing something wrong by kissing me. And I just like, flipped out on Ezra about it. I mean, if he doesn't want to be with me again, and doesn't care about or love me, then what right does he have to stop people from kissing me, or me kissing them? EXACTLY. He has NONE whatsoever. I don't even know why he feels jealous. He's single and free now, you'd think he'd be going around fucking everyone in sight. Now he doesn't have to worry about having a boyfriend getting upset when he fucks Jackson or Devon. I don't know what he's doing trying to stick around, he's just making everything so much harder for me! Which could actually be the point, knowing him. Did you know that he's already asked me to have sex with him since he's broken up with me? I hate saying it, but he really is a complete dick. And I feel horrible for saying that.

And after the whole Ezra-yelling-at-Asher thing...Kjara went and stuck up for EZRA! I mean, I love her...but she said we were being too harsh to him. I didn't want to admit it to her, but that really hurt my feelings when she said that. Harsh? —Does she have any idea of the things Ezra has said and done to me since he left me? I KNOW she knows what he did WHILE he was with me. And she's going to say I was being harsh to him. Fine, if she wants to side with Ezra, her choice...I won't stop her. I know she thinks of him as a brother and really likes him.

But yeah...I don't know what to make of life right now. And I really hate the feeling. I've never gone through something like this is my entire life, and I don't even know what to do. Does everyone go through something like this? How do they DEAL with it? I'm not really sure I can...and, like I said in my last entry-thing, it really scares me that I've started to think that way. What's happening to the always-happy me? I want—no I NEED that version of Sammii back. I can tell me being all upset and depressed on the outside too is worrying my friends, and I don't want them worried about me.

Guess we'll just have to see what happens, right? Even though that's really just a kinda sucky excuse...

—Sam

[sammii knowell]

mood confused & depressed...I think you get it by now
date sept 28 2008

I don't even know what to think about Asher anymore... So, he asked me to marry him, and I said yes. So, haha, look at me, I'm married now. You know, Winterthorne is definitely the only place where people could get married with a snap of your fingers before they were even GOING OUT. Yeah, me and Asher weren't even going out yet.

And Xio and Dai are doing a great job of making me think that Asher's only being this way to get back at Trent. I don't even know what happened between them, but they're over too... At least I know that I'm not getting invloved in any cheating sort of thing.

Speaking of Dai, I don't think I've mentioned the going-ons with her yet. She's actually been being NICE to me. Yeah, it is a bit scary. But at the same time I like it a lot—I don't know why. She's really...good to talk to. I wouldn't have thought that at first, but I'm actually getting to know her better, and I think we'll be able to get along pretty well, she can actually be a really sweet person at times. Yesterday she interrogated me about Asher though...wanting to know what was going on between us and if I liked him and if he liked me. But it didn't really bother me... She's really good to talk to about Ezra, anyway. She understands him a little better than I do I guess. After all, they're both demons, sorta, and they're pretty close friends. I really like Dai, she's so understanding and sweet to me. Which is what I really need right now, I guess.

At least I can say I'm not very scared of her anymore, right?

So, I had two encounters with Ezra today. They weren't very long, thankfully. It really upsets me that I can't have a good conversation with him anymore. But the worst thing is that I wish he'd just go away and stay out of my life, while at the same time the thought of him leaving completely rips me apart. Oh...but anyway today, the first conversation was just really stupid and short. The second one though...Ezra is such an asshole. He pretended that he was just FAKING everything to get back at me for me "thinking he was a monster". I could never think that about him. Sure...he scared me when he pretended that he wanted to kill me, but a monster—that's just not possible. I KNOW Ezra can be sweet and nice when he wants to...

Actually, I stuck up for him a few days ago. Me and Kjara did, that is. I don't even know why. I heard Ross and Daryl insulting him, and it made me really angry, so before I even knew what I was doing I was sticking up for Ezra. He doesn't even deserve that from me. But I did it. The only problem is I can't figure out if I'm glad I stuck up for him, or if I'm a completely hopeless idiot.

Then tonight Asher said he loved me. I don't even know if its true. And I'm so jumbled up right now, I don't even know how muhc I like him. Half of me wants to say that I DO love him, but the other half (that seems to be taking over right now) is too scared to say those words in that away again. Ezra just hurt me so badly...I don't want to try to give my heart away again just yet. Then another part of me is yelling at me to give up on love and life completely. Wait...three halfs? Haha... Maybe I should've said thirds then. Things already aren't going to well with Asher...he thinks that I'm going to get back with Ezra or something. He said that he trusts me, just not my heart. Stupid, stupid heart. Half the time I can't even tell if there's anything left of it anymore. I wish he'd understand that I wouldn't do that to him. I'm not like Ezra was—I'm a faithful person; I have morals.

I really, really, really, times infinity, miss Dani right now. She'd be able to get me through this, I know she would.

I think the world must hate me.

Or maybe Fate does.

That actually makes much more sense. Fate's probably sitting around wherever it lives laughing as it pulls the strings of my life. Its things like this that make me hate Fate...

—Sam

[sammii knowell]

mood happpyyyyyyy
date nov 29 2008

So...I guess you're probably like "woahsam'sbeengoneforever". Okay, well, that's because I have. But whatever. I should probably say WHY I have, right? Let me think where to start off.

Alright, so I should probably start with where I disappeared to, I guess? Well. I went back home. All the way back to Louisiana with Kyle and Cathy. Let me just say: it SUCKED. Kyle was barely around. Working and everything. Apparently he got promoted and he's even busier than he ever was. So I was pretty much stuck with Cathy all day. And it was really just...horrible. She hung over my shoulder all day, and yelled at me. And well...everything she used to do really. I can't even put into words how much I really hate her...I wish Kyle understood that part of her. And I could hardly get out of the house. You know...most of my friends back home are just regular humans. But I guess they found out I moved and went to some school for freaks or something all the way in Germany. I bet Cathy made up some nice, detailed story for them. Anyway. None of them wanted to hang out with me ever. It was pretty depressing. And it didn't really help me out either.

And the reason I went there? Well...Ezra and Dani, of course. I just couldn't stand to be around. And see Ezra like that. It hurt too much. And things were just going really bad with Asher too. Ezra...just...he got me to cheat on Asher...and then Asher caught us. And then another time Ezra grabbed my wedding ring and threw it out the window. Asher apparently found it, because later he showed me both of them together, but I have mine again. I want it so that I can remember Asher and so that I know not to rush into something like that again. Well, its mostly to remember when I was with Asher, because he was what made me happier when Ezra and me weren't together. Another thing was that Asher and I kept getting into more and more fights. And he told me I was unlovable. I hope I'm really not...but I don't know if Asher meant it or not. Maybe I am. I think Ez loves me again though...but I'll get to that later.

Um...so, anyway, I stayed at Kyle's place for a really long time. But then I decided to come back again. I don't have any idea why. I told myself it was to get more of my things (because I kinda just up and left without like, anything). I think it was really because I needed to see Ezra. I guess I actually thought he'd be okay and things could go back to how they were before...when he still loved me. And maybe me and Dani could make up.

But Ezra was still THAT Ezra...and I couldn't really find Dani anywhere...but I didn't go back to Louisiana.

Instead I kinda...I dunno...I just got...so upset. About everything. And I...I went up to the roof of the building... To me and Dani's spot. And I had a knife...and well...I tried to kill myself. But Dani came...she actually came and saved me. Before I died. I don't know what happened after that really, just that she found me on the roof RIGHT before I passed out. Then...I think a few hours afterwards, I woke up in the hospital. And she was there. She was so upset... But I think this means we're going to be able to be friends again. And...Ezra was there too. Both of them. The people I both love so much, who I thought hated me. They were both there.

So that's the basic story of why I disappeared so long. I'll write again later today with more stuff I guess. There's a lot to fill in on.

—Sam

[sammii knowell]

mood gooooooooooood.
date dec 1 2008

HAPPY DECEMBER?

Okay, so obviously my plan of writing later that day didn't go as planned. I guess I got distracted? But we'll continue from where I left off.

So...Dani came, saved me. And I woke up at the hospital I dunno how much later, and they were both there. I can't even describe what it was like. Seeing them both there. Ezra was crying too. Do you know how many times I've actually seen him cry? Like that? Never. It felt like someone was wrenching at my heart. Seeing Dani and him crying and worrying over me like that. I know I shouldn't have done that to him. To her either, for that matter.

Ezra was really sweet though, he stayed with me almost all the time while I was there. Except...well...one day he went out to do something. And Asher came. I'm not really too sure what happened. But we talked about how getting married had kinda been stupid and quick, and we apologized and stuff. That was really nice...and he gave me my ring back when I asked him. But then...I don't know what I was doing. But we wound up like, making out and in our underwear and stuff right as Ezra walked in with all this stuff just for me. Ezra was just trying to be a sweet, amazing boyfriend and I screwed it up. I guess I always screw stuff up though, don't I? Then Ezra got pissed, of course. Not so much at me I don't think than at Asher. Since then he's been like, out to kill poor Asher. I kinda wish Ezra would get angrier and blame it more on me than he seems to be. Oh, and then he asked if I had feelings for Asher later, and I said that I wasn't sure. I mean...Asher was just really sweet and everything to me after Ezra lost his heart. But I've figured it out now...I guess I love him. Only as a friend though. I don't think that its possible for me to love anyone the way that I love Ezra. I don't know if Ezra feels that way too, though. Apparently he still has feelings for Jackson. He told me that a few days ago... I finally tell him that I don't have feelings for anyone else and I never will...and like, the next day he tells me he still really likes his best friend.

[sammii knowell]

date still the same

So apparently I'm emo? And gay?
According to Jackson. And Dai. And Asher.

I'm really not emo...am I?

And this Gabe kid and Mort said I was fat...I hardly even eat that much at meals in the first place. Am I really fat?!
Ezra says I'm not. I don't know...he's supposed to say that stuff, right? What if he's just lying to me and I'm like, huge?! D:
Maybe I shouldn't eat like, ever again x__x Then I won't be fat anymore.

Also, Asher wants to give me a hair cut.
I still don't really want to let him.
I love my hair the way it is.
But I don't want everyone to call me emo. So maybe it would be good if I did?
I don't think Jay and Xio agree.
But Dai wanted to give me a makeover.
I dunno.
Maybe I'll let him. I'll have to see.

[sammii knowell]

mood reallyreallyhappy :3
date dec 2 2008

Last night was amazing.

I don't think me and Asher have ever gotten along as well as we did last night.
I still wanna know what was wrong with him...but I'm glad we seem to be on really good terms right now.

I kinda want to tell Ezra about it.
But something tells me he won't see it as a good step forward for Asher and I.
I think he'd probably jump to conclusions and get pissed off.
Then probably go after Asher and try to kill him...again.

Maybe I'll just have to find a good way to word it. That way he won't get angry.

I hope me and Asher can stay this way...
We still need to talk about getting a divorce.
I'm kinda nervous of wrecking everything by bringing it up though.

But...we really can't stay married like this...