Post by Jordan Bailey on Sept 21, 2008 18:57:18 GMT -5
September 21st
September 21st[/blockquote]
Life currently sucks. Well..not totally. There are the bright shining lights, but then there is the dust, the parts that seperate my life from being entirely great. And more and more dust gathers, clouding the light from reaching me. Some tendrils of said light still shines brightly, but it's hard to continue looking forward, the particles of dust being so much heavier than the light, pressing down on my life. And I don't know how to bring myself up, sometimes.
I hate that this is the status of my life. You wouldn't think it, the way I act at times. I'm still all hyper and happy, the dust hasn't affected my overall personality yet. If that makes any sense...I mean...I have all this crappy stuff in my life, and I dislike it...but I'm still all....normal, if you count me being normal, which I don't. But it was the best word I could come up with. But that could just be how I am. I don't let things get me down. Not really. I mean, there are some things that can get me down, really down, but there's not much that can do so. It's just the way I am.
But the last days have been hectic. Daryl finally got here, which makes me happy. I pick on him, in a friendly way, and he picks on me. Like how it's always been. It saddens me that he is fallen. Half-fallen..or whatever. It hurts. I wanted to save him from that. Sure, I fell. I don't believe. Whatever you will call it. But I didn't want him to fall. And I wasn't there when his wings turned. Sure, I noticed an ashy hue when I left for Winterthorne, but it wasn't gray, it was barely off-white. So it saddens me to learn he completely fell. It also makes me wonder what happened to make them turn. But I don't want to ask. It would probably hurt me, and I can’t bear it.
.....and last night.....I saw Daryl.....he was drunk. It scared me so much. I wanted to die, nearly. Anything to stop him drinking. Mother and Father were never there for him, pretty much. I helped raise him, when they were doing their thing. ....and it was because of me he was drinking, I know. He said it was fun, it made him feel happy. But damn, that’s not how he’s supposed to feel! I don’t want him to turn out like me. He fell because of me. I don’t like that. He’s my baby brother, I’m supposed to not let him do shit like that. But...it happened...and then he said I was a good sister....but I’m not. I’m horrible. I let him turn out like this, even though I knew better. I went to those parties, and did all that other shit, and came home wasted, for him to see me like that. I knew, I know better than that. But I still did it. And it kills me. Our parents fought because of me. It’s my fault all of this happened. That our parents fought, that Daryl fell slightly. And that’s not the worse.
He blames himself. It kills me. He did nothing wrong, nothing wrong at all. And yet, he blames himself for all the things I blame myself for. He blames himself for our parents falling, for my falling. Like hell it was his fault. It was mine......and it kills me that he blames himself, because I know it’s my fault. I’m the older sister...it’s my fault.....not to mention all I did was absolutely horrible. I can’t even manage writing down all that made it my fault. The reason my parents fought....why they fought so much...and how painful it was. It was never his fault, no matter how much he says it is. Just because he tried to illusion their happiness... you can’t illusion feelings. Not that I know, anyways. But it wouldn’t work, it’s not possible. Everything is my fault.
The worst part of it was the fact that we got into a fight. That and.....his wings got darker. It hurt me so much to yell at him as I did. I know I shouldn’t have...but I did. And his wings....it’s all my fault. I want them to get lighter! They aren’t supposed to be dark! And it’s my fault they are....and I couldn’t let Daryl take the blame that he did. Because it wasn’t his blame to take. So I was left yelling at Daryl that it was my fault, while he shouted that it was his. It hurt so much. And then.....he left. I don’t know where he went. And I was left on the floor....crying....hurt. Kjara came and comforted me.....but I had a horrible thought...that maybe...just...maybe he’d kill himself....hurt himself...because of me. And it would be my fault once again. Kjara, thankfully, went after him. I didn’t see her again, though, because apparently she got Daryl back, but then had to leave. I don’t know.
Daryl tried to get me to promise never to bring it up, to never fight again. I couldn’t. I can’t promise that it won’t be brought up again, and I can’t promise not to fight again. All I can do is try not to do so......the second worst part about everything that happened is the fact that he threatened to leave if it happened again. I can’t let that happen. Daryl is only 15 years old. I can’t let him face the world. He said he wasn’t going back......there...to France....down to Argelés-sur-Mer. He said he wasn’t going back there....where our parents are....but I can’t let him go out to the world by himself. There is no fucking way I can let him do that. He can’t handle himself out there...by himself. He promised that he wouldn’t drink anymore....but I don’t know if he’ll keep that promise. Once you start drinking....it’s hard to not do so. And I would know. Of all people. But I can’t stand watching him drink...seeing him like that. It scares me. Just because it’s my lifestyle doesn’t mean that it has to be his, too. It was my mistake to make.....it doesn’t mean he had to make it too. And it hurts.
Not to mention everything with Morty. ...I don’t know how I feel about him...not completely. I know that there is something there. Why else would I have...done what I did with him? Why else would I have given up my innocence for him? Like hell I would do such a thing for no reason. But....Dai said that he had other girls...I wasn’t the only one. Mort then said that there were others...but before me. How can I trust him? Did he really get Kjara pregnant? Because Dai said so....I didn’t ask him, though. I’m worried....no...I’m scared. ....I’ve never had a boyfriend before, never anything like that. The kids in Argelés were always scared of me and Daryl. They were freaked out...because, although humans are completely stupid, they could sense there was something different about us. So how could I have gotten a boyfriend during that time there? How? So, I’m scared. I don’t know what to think. I’m so totally new to this. I don’t know if he’s cheating me, I don’t know how to tell. I’m scared that he might be....just because of what Dai said. Did he truly think himself in love with those others? Or was he just playing them? Is he playing me? Ugh....I don’t know what to think....and it hurts...
But I still have my friends. I have Sammii, Xio, Dani, Evan...all of them, even though there is more than just them. I play.....that song for Evie often now.....I cry everytime I do. I still can hardly believe she’s gone. It’s been a while since it happened...but it still hurts. I guess it’s good, and bad, that the Wynters leave nearby.....it meant that I could attend....the funeral. I miss Evie so much...but..at night.....when I’m playing her song......I feel..sort of at peace, even through the tears...
But back to my friends. I have them, and they help me. Gawd...my life is such a wreck sometimes.
status::done
