Can You Keep A Secret? [[Ivan]]

[Dani James]

She shivered in front of the entrance to the boy’s dorms. It wasn’t even cold yet her she shook. Maybe it was the guilt crawling up the insides of her stomach. Or, it could have been the shame palpable in her not so lively emerald eyes. Those eyes used to used to hold so much youth and happiness--but that was a very long time ago. Too long ago to really remember what that happiness felt like. Too long ago to really remember much except the way she stared at her through cold, unblinking eyes. The way his fist came down on her, again and again. The way it felt to be loved. And now she was standing here, trying to remember why exactly she had chosen to except his offer and show up in the middle of the night. Good looks were not it here. It was something else. She needed this. She needed to feel loved, even if was only for a while. She needed to know that she could make someone else happy and that her whole life wasn’t just one disappointment after another.

So she pushed back the bangs in her eyes even though they would only bounce back and stand up, halfway spiked life the rest of her hair and she pushed open the doors to make her way inside. Every step brought confusion more and more confusion into the picture. One step would take away the beast in her stomach; the one that kept asking her why she was coming back for more and another step feed that beast and pulled her, cajoled her to walk fast, to find the right number and knock to be let in because she couldn’t stay out here much longer. She had to feel something other than loneliness because that was starting to take over her life, even when she was surrounded by people.

A good part of her felt dirty. Used. How well did she know him? Not very. How well did he want to know her? Not at all. And that was the part the hurt her the most. She kept telling herself that this would make her happier, just by a fraction, but it never lasted. He wasn’t the bad guy here. Not at all. Hey, he had needs too. He just cared a different way about those needs as she did. She wanted so desperately to find someone to fill the void within her and yet she was so afraid of what that person was capable of.

Ivan was no exception.

[Ivan Philips]

Typically, there was one thing that teenage boys and girls could never agree on. And that, my friends, is sex. It has been said that there are two very basic rules.

[/b] Girls want one boy to fulfill their every need.
2. Boys want every girl to fulfill their one need[/i].[/ul] Now, Ivan was no exception to this, and from what he could gather, Dani wasn't either. In short, he wanted sex (his hand wasn't all that great in bed), and Dani wanted intimacy (if not a real relationship, then why not a good screw?). He knew this fact. Hell, he wanted to kill that fact. It should've been a no strings attached sort of deal, since that's what he'd signed up for, but it wasn't. It didn't piss him off like it might some, but instead, it made him feel like the scum of the Earth. Using a girl like that? It was one thing if he was being used right back for sex and sex alone, but that was not the case.

With his hands in the pockets of his shorts, Ivan hurried down the hall way, trying to intercept Dani before she could make it to his dorm room. They'd agreed to keep their arrangement quiet, but that was not going to happen with a room full of teenage boys. Especially not with Will there. So, since he'd recently gotten wind of a totally unused dorm room on his floor, that's where he hoped they;d be heading. Straightening out the plain white t-shirt and not bothering at all to tie his Converse, Ivan hurried down the hall, still looking for that red-headed girl.

Goddammit, he thought to himself, rolling his eyes into the back of his head. What the hell did I get myself into? He sort of felt like he was almost blaming Dani, but it really wasn't his fault he was a horny jack ass with no real morals to speak of.

Seeing as the hall was dimly lit because of the time of night, Ivan could see just perfectly. It was more like your average human in broad daylight: crystal clear. Spotting Dani just around the bend, he slowed his pace, tempted to turn and head back to his own dorm, lock the door, and tell the other boys to pretend to sleep. But that really wouldn't help any, would it? Moving his hair from his face, he moved on ahead, tossing Dani a smile in the dim light. "Hey-lo."[/blockquote][/blockquote][/size]

[Dani James]

A part of her wanted to turn back. She almost did but she kept moving forward as if she was walking towards salvation instead of another night of loveless sex. Where were her morals? In the loony bin with dad. She smirked. One would think getting beat all her life by her father would make it hard for her to be with a guy, but it didn’t. Not that she was a whore or anything, cause before Ivan she had only been with one guy like twice. This was the kind of thing you had to either not think about at all, or give it serious thought. None of that half assed shit, cause that would land you in trouble. And trouble was peeking around the corner in DanI’s case, because now she was starting to have regrets and she was starting to think about it more and more.

She didn’t want to be that girl, the one who slept around. She wasn’t. She knew that. But did sleeping with someone you didn’t love make it just as bad? Maybe if she got to know him a little bit better….but no, he didn’t want to get to know her and maybe wanting to know him was a bad idea anyway. She knew him enough. Enough to have sex with him and have no real relationship anyway. She knew he was close with Xio and that whatever was going between them was a little weird but no one ever spoke up and he certainly didn’t seem to have a problem with her and Xio being roommates.

She couldn’t remember if he had said he would be alone and that bothered her. What if she showed up and his roommates were in there. Then they would all know something was up and they would probably think she was easy. Ivan wasn’t exactly a ladies man. He was good looking and all, but for some reason he acted like he hated girls or something. Well, that’s not how he acted during sex, that’s for sure.

She couldn’t help but wonder how he felt about all of this. Was he just okay with this….whatever it was that they shared? Did it not bother him that the only real he knew about her was name and age. Did it not bother him that it didn’t mean what it was supposed to mean. Oh, it meant something, sure. But she didn’t love him. And he most certainly did not love her and that was what she wanted most. For someone to love her. Well, she had walked into this knowing what it was. She equally to blame or thank, depending on how you looked at it, so she wasn’t going to let it get to her. This was what she wanted and now she was going to get it.

She was so lost in thought, if he hadn’t spoken she probably would have walked past him. Her emerald eyes were wide and timid again. She always seemed to get nervous before this happened. “Hey,” She replied softly, her lips dry. “…I thought you would be in your room.”

[Ivan Philips]

Oh great. Ivan could practically taste her nerves. Tension so thick you could cut it with a knife, awkward being the only word to describe, that sort of thing. It really wasn't helping him feel any better about the situation, not that he'd initially expected to.

"Yeah," Ivan shuffled his feet some, looking down to the floor for a moment before looking back up to Dani. "But the guys are in the dorm. They all said they wouldn't be, and yet, here they are." In actuality, this wasn't completely true. Of the four others he shared the dorm with, only two were there, and they were dead asleep already.

It killed him to admit it, but he was almost hoping that they could cancel their little arrangement, at least for one night. Not only was he suppose to be a thoughtless demon and a greedy sex-crazed teenage boy, but there was still a large part of his brain screaming, "Get me laid!" Unfortunately an even larger part was telling him no.

There was, however, one rather selfish reason for not completely wanting to go through with it. He was nervous. Not so much of the act itself, just of what was happening and who it was happening with and blah blah blah. For a teenage boy, nerves and sex meant two things, and I'm sure you can name them both. Ivan knew this, and knew that (knowing his luck), he would epically fail. Which would not be the sort of blow to his ego he was looking for.

So, shrugging his shoulders and tossing her an apologetic look, Ivan murmured a quiet, "I'm sorry. Thought I'd find you though, so you wouldn't just get there and stuff. It could look bad."

[/size]

[Dani James]

“Heh.” Dani nodded feeling the awkwardness roll off Ivan. He didn’t look very excited. Was that a good thing? Or maybe it was bad and it meant that not even he wanted to be with her. She felt a wave or regret hit her and she shuffled her feet too, looking at her shoes. What now? Were they still going to do what was planned? She was torn between her need to feel something other depression and wanting to be the ‘good girl.’ But what the hell defined that girl? Why did wanting to be wanted back make her feel like she was doing something bad?

The numbness she had been feeling earlier was starting to wear off but it was still tense between them and it was obvious. She wanted to get this started already for several reasons, one being that she wanted to leave but the other being that a small portion of her still held a sick hope that maybe something more than just mutual sex could happen between them. Love? Nah. Not plausible. But perhaps maybe something more than hit it and quit it. She really didn’t know what she was expecting to happy. She only knew that wanted to make this feeling go away already.

“Yeah,” She said, her voice still soft. “I guess that wouldn’t look too good.” She shoved her hands into her hoodie pockets and tucked her bottom lip between her teeth. Here came that desire again, to be held. It was like her emotions were all over the place. One second she wanted it the next she didn’t. Was there a possibility that she was Bi-polar too? “So do you….?” She couldn’t finish the sentence but she figured he knew what it meant. Were they going to or not? “I mean,” She cleared her throat and tried to hold herself as if it didn’t matter. “I can go, if you want…” she smiled a fake smile. “It’s pretty late anyways,” She mumbled, pulling the jacket tighter around herself. Jesusfuck, was it really that cold in here or was it just her?

She couldn’t make out what he was thinking but she wanted to know. All of this silence was…weird. It was making her more and more nervous by the second and she was trying her best not to show it. She was failing.

[[Sorry. I lost my muse. =[ ]]

[Ivan Philips]

No, he wasn’t too excited. Terribly frieghtened, yes, but not terribly excited. Once again, no teenage boy in that position (no pun intended) would be. Thumbs twitching as he hooked them into the belt loops, Ivan gave Dani a once over, almost trying to make himself want her. Obviously, he did—he just didn’t want to want her really, but for her sake, at this moment in time, he was trying to make himself want her, since, after all, isn’t that what Dani wanted?
Are you confused yet?

“Yeah,” he murmured in response to her reaction. Maybe she’d ask for a raincheck? Oops, nevermind. “Do I?” Did he? “Well, yeah,” sorta, “But I mean, I don’t exactly know where.” Way to go liar. “And I doubt your dorm is a good idea either. So, we sorta need a place.” Ivan shrugged his shoulders, looking over her. Maybe the decision should be hers. “Unless you don’t want to. You look sorta ill.” But she obviously wasn’t—he’d’ve smelled it if she were ill at all. “Or maybe…”

He knew what he was about to say, but he didn’t know why (that seemed to be happening a lot lately). I mean, it wasn’t like it was a horrible idea, the thought just hadn’t really crossed his mind before. At least not as something he’d ever actually consider doing. But now it was different. Dani looked like hell, looked sick, but once again, that couldn’t have been it, and Ivan could just smell the putrid scent of fear. Putrid, in this case, because would you want the person you’re about to go to bed with be scared? So he felt like he had to do something—something that could make him feel a little like a decent human being.

“Or maybe, we could, you know, hang out or something. If you don’t wanna do anything else that is. I don’t really wanna go back to the dorm just yet.” It was boring as hell in that room.

[Dani James]

His eyes traveling over made her want to stand very still and straighten up. He wouldn’t very well want a girl who looked like crap now would he? Why did it even matter what he thought? It just did. This was supposed to be a moral-less, no strings attached, two strangers having fun thing and here she was making it difficult again. No guy wanted a serious relationship with her and that’s what almost got to her. They all acted like she was just someone to use and throw away. Well, she could be the same way. She wasn’t going to stand here and ask him some guy she hardly knew to love her that way because a) it was impossible and b) it didn’t matter. Loving someone meant sharing secrets and there was no way she was going to tell him she’d been the cause of her mother’s death. She really needed to stop trying to turn things in another. She knew it most likely making him uncomfortable.

She nodded silently, her lip between her teeth. “Yeah, my dorm? Not so much…” She winced at the idea of even thinking about having sex with Ivan in a room with her friends. Not cool. Plus, poor monster would probably have nightmares. “It doesn’t matter,” she shrugged. Great. Now she was doing it too! Fuck. Did he want to or not? All this tension was starting to get on her nerves. If he really wanted to find a place she would do it for him.

She wondered how must feel. Did he feel bad for this like she did at time? Probably not, most guys didn’t. But he did look kinda scared himself. Why was that? Was he afraid of her? Or of getting caught? Or what? She wasn’t that ugly was she? Dani frowned at this. Usually, he was all for it. Why was he suddenly apprehensive?

“Or maybe, we could, you know, hang out or something.”

Wait, what? Dani blinked in surprise. Hang out? Like, just do nothing? Dani licked her lips. This was so unlike him; she didn’t know what to say. Or do for that matter. No guy had ever just wanted to hang out with. Well, except Sammii, and he was head over heels for Ezra and didn’t even know it. Silly boy.

So was Ivan just saying that because he was afraid of her? Was he afraid to get too close? (Hell, it was probably her fault.) Well that just wouldn’t do. She was sick of feeling this emptiness. Dani took sly step towards Ivan; the nervousness wearing off and closed the space between them. She leaned in very close to him and let her hand stroke the back of his waist. “Why do you look so tense?” She whispered, her lips kissing the tip of his ear.

[Ivan Philips]

This was all getting so ridiculously awkward. Ivan felt like God knows what could be going on in Dani’s little head. To him, she had to figure that he was either sick, couldn’t get it up (which he sort of doubted he could at this point—his nerves had gotten the best of him), or was trying to come out of the closet. None of those were the case originally—sorta—but he couldn’t help but be a little paranoid by those thoughts. This was one of those times Ivan wished he had that sort of power, like to read minds. That way he could at least know what was going on. You know, maybe straightening her out by telling her he wasn’t gay, then pinning her to a wall to prove it.

Oh. Who the hell was he kidding? He didn’t have the balls to do that even if he could. They’d up and left him by this point. Might as well just castrate myself by hand, he thought to himself.

Head tilted to the side at her reaction—namely the whole issue of her licking her lips (ask any boy, they always notice), Ivan straightened his spine, standing straight. Oh boy. Was that nerves or excitement on her part? He couldn’t tell. He hoped it was the latter. It wasn’t until Dani started approaching him that he got a little more nervous, and a little more convinced that it was the latter. Tensing up, he looked down to the red head, shrugging his shoulders slightly. It took him a moment to pull his words up from his gut, but he was eventually successful. “N-no reason.” You liar. “Er, well, I don’t know. Long day?” He’d heard his dad use it on his step mother before, when she was mad and he knew it and she pulled the sex card.

[Dani James]

Really, what was his deal? She didn’t know many guys who shied away from sex this badly. Was it her? If it was, she just wanted to know already so she could leave him alone. She was not going to beg for him to have sex with her. Seduction, maybe, but she didn’t beg. Sure, she wasn’t the most dignified person, what with her being so random and constantly scaring people and being loud but she knew where to draw the line. One thing she had learned in life was that love was something that a lot of people didn’t even believe existed so she wasn’t entirely sure herself. She wanted it but she knew there was a big possibility she would never get it. If her own dad couldn’t love her like a daughter she doubted a guy could love her as a person. Then again, people were surprising.

He wasn’t the only one taking notice. She caught his every moment from the way he stood taller to the way he tensed up so more. She was going to pretend that it was excitement or something and keep going. He didn’t look like he was going to make any moves yet, so she would. “Long day?” She repeated, softly, her hand still on him. “Anything I could…do to help?” She emphasized the last three words carefully and met his gaze with a sly smile. Ha. Long day doing what? Homework and video games? Oh well, it didn’t matter. She place her other hand to match and pulled him close. “I’ve had a long day too.”

Just because she knew what to do didn’t make her a whore. She’d had to tell herself that a couple of times before it sunk in. She was allowed to have fun to. And this, this was fun, right? She always enjoyed it--so did he. So what was the problem? Why was she still pushing her luck, wanting more when she had something good right here?

[Ivan Philips]

Homework and video games? Nahh, video games and television, maybe. What? Ivan was considered (by some) a burnout, and there was a reason for it.

With the raise of an eyebrow, he perked up, putting all his senses on red alert. The subtle tone in her voice and the body language simply told him one thing: I want you. Normally, she could flip him off and Ivan would still read it as I want you, but today was different, and this time, she meant it. So, he stripped his fear like (he assumed he'd be doing soon) he'd have done with a shirt--easily and carelessly tossed to the floor. "Maybe there's something you could do for me.." Ivan dipped his hand down to rest on her lower back, moving in a few inches closer to show that he wasn't so afraid anymore. It was just impulsive for a demon like him, he guessed; he didn't like showing fear, so he had to make up for it.

Arching an eyebrow and moving yet closer with her comment on her equally long day, Ivan pursed his lips for a moment. "Doing what? I mean, it'd have to be pretty strenuous." How the fuck would it have to be pretty strenuous? Quick, recover, recover! Before you look like a dirty twat waffle. "I mean, I've seen you do some pretty hard work, and even when you're done, you just keep going..." He'd dropped his voice some, leaning down to whisper in her ear while praying that he hadn't taken it too far.

Goddamn Dani for making him feel like a bucket of scum. Still, where the hell would they go at this point?

[/size]

[Dani James]

There was a simple message she was trying to convey. Screw me. Yeah, that was basically and seriously it. No, I’m not kidding, she needed some and he was there and there agreement was to help each other and that’s what she was here for. She didn’t want him pity or an official boyfriend, she just wanted to be close to someone, even if it was for a little while. It was better than nothing at all. Thank God, he seemed to get the message. She raised a sly eyebrow in response, his hand on her back making her skin prickle in excitement. She gripped the front of his thin shirt and pulled him close, their bodies only inches apart. “If you let me know, then I might could do that.”

They were almost pressed against each and it was evidently turning them both on. “Oh, you know…” She whispered, her lips close to his ear again. Obviously, she hadn’t been doing anything at all with the exception of hating her life and having depression set in. Not to mention Adrien Killingston ruining her day again. No surprise there, he’d been doing that a lot lately. Maybe Ivan could take him out for her and break his jaw or something. Then she wouldn’t have to hear him talk shit all the time. “I guess,” She sighed, with a smile but inviting smile. “Even a girl needs a little love sometimes.” Maybe not a physically hard time but emotionally? Hell yeah. She ran a hand over his chest, hey eyes questioning. “So what do you say? Can I a get a little help? I’ll make it worth your while…”

[Ivan Philips]

Screw me. Screw you? Well, Ivan was really all too happy to oblige. You know, had it not been for those damn nerves of his. You've no idea how badly he wanted to shoot them.

Dipping his head down, Ivan pressed a series of light kisses to Dani's neck, slowly suffocating his nerves. Go away, you douche bags. Eventually, the little butterfly kisses became a little more forceful, more noticeable, his hands resting on her hips. Carefully, he took a step back, closer to pressing the red head to the wall. Just in case though, he wasn't.
You never knew with girls, they were just too much like a shaky grenade. Ivan hated it.

"I'd be happy to help," he muttered, unaware of the fact that his voice had gotten slightly deeper. Damn his teenage demonic hormones. "But, where are we suppose to go?" Another step to the wall, hands gripping tighter as he pressed a kiss to her jawline. Already, his instincts were kicking in. Yes, instincts. "I mean, we can't exactly go to my room," hand on the wall behind her, Ivan pressed a light, slightly teasing kiss to Dani's lips, quickly returning to her neck. "And we can't go to yours, either."

Why was it that suddenly, that little rubber buddy was burning a hole in his back pocket? Or, more importantly, why was his tongue cought in the back of his throat like a swollen balloon? This is sex, he reminded himself. This is an arrangement between two people to have sex. Guilt really shouldn't have been an option.

[/size]

[Dani James]

Yeah, yeah, vulgar, too forward, whatever. In this day and age, if you wanted something that you went and got it. Or rather..you seduced it to come to you. Whatever, it didn't really matter to Dani how Ivan decided to screw her as long as he did.

Dani relaxed, happy to know Ivan wanted this as much as she did and titled her head full of fiery hair to one side. She was plainly enjoying this already. Her hands pressed his into her hips for a few seconds before finding their way to his neck where they pulled him closer and pushed her back some. She would have rathered enjoyed it if he had pushed her into the wall but no such like. Oh well. It was fun either way.

Dani pondered this critical question and feverishly pulled the boy closer, her hands at his belt loops, her jaw moving down so that she place light kisses on his jawline as well. You would think he was short and lanky, but he really wasn't. He was taller than her, and forcefull enough she didn't care how much he worked out. She stumbled back more, closer to the wall and she groaned into his teased of a kiss. She was only half pawying attention to what he was saying but it was registering clearly. "Well," she breathed out, gasping from the effect his lips had on her neck. "I get the feeling you know where better than I do." Yeah, they definitely couldn't go to her room. Xio would freak out. This was her best friend after all. Monster would be traumatized for life. And that was just unfair to her friends. And there was no way she was going to leave all her pride at the door and screw Ivan with him roomates around.

Wrapping a hand around his neck, Dani pulled him close to meet her lips and kissed him hard on the mouth, the need to be closer burning strong. "We might wanna find that place soon." She prompted, her lips still brushing his.

[Ivan Philips]

With each kiss, every touch, his better judgment slipped further and further away. With a quiet, throaty groan, he tightened his grip on her hips, pressing her firmly against the wall as he attacked her neck with kisses and the occasional bite. Taking a moment--and I do mean a moment--to think, he quickly remembered that thinking wouldn't get him laid and continued on with what he was doing.

But, haha, lucky him, she'd brought up the ever important issue of where to go. Great. He hadn't an idea. And was it him or was it a bit of a mood killer? I'd like to see you try and think while trying to keep it up.

Obviously, the dorms were off limits. The bathrooms...? Well, that wan't his type of thing. Anything like the rooftop just didn't seem right. You know, too public of a place for so secret of a relationship. And they certainly weren't going to go off campus. Ivan highly doubted that either of the patience for it at this point. But, maybe there was one place...

"I think I know a place," he whispered softly before placing a slightly rougher than usual kiss on her lips and grabbing her hands. Placing a finger over his lips, he motioned for her to be quiet as he headed down the hall, down the stairs, and eventually, into the library. He had no idea why, but the library seemed like a good place to go. "Okay, it's not that great, but it's private?" And at this time of night, totally empty.

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